Confessions of a Moneyaholic

I admit it, I have a money habit. For many years, I've been using and abusing money. It all started when I was ten years old and my grandfather gave me a dollar bill so I could go buy some candy. Soon I was into fivers. A few years later I was hooked on tens. It wasn't long until I got turned on to twenties. I was eighteen when I did my first one hundred dollar bill. I can still remember the rush.

How bad is my money habit? You won't believe all the degrading, humiliating, agonizing things I've subjected myself to over the years just so I could score a few bucks. For example, I've allowed myself to be placed inside cubicles where I was expected to answer phone calls from irate customers and fiddle with monotonous paperwork eight hours a day, five days a week. All this so that every two weeks I could receive my financial narcotic.

How bad is my money habit? I can't go more than a day or two without using any. One time I went three days but that was only because I was in bed sick. Occasionally, I'll go a couple of days without doing any purchasing but then something small like a Snickers® bar will trigger my spending habit. After the Snickers bar, it's a slice of pizza. Then it's a pair of jeans. Soon it's the monthly rent, the bills, the car stereo, the dry cleaners, the down payment on a nuclear arsenal, the used spaceship and on and on.

But there is good news. I'm now in a program designed to wean me from my money habit. This program goes by the acronym WALMARTS. It stands for We'll Act Like Money Ain't Really That Significant. The way the program works is I show up at this big box store five days a week and do a whole bunch of repetitive tasks. Then at the end of the week, I get a few dollars to help me with my money habit but not too much. Each week, I get a little less in my paycheck until eventually I'm completely cured of my money addiction. Isn't that great?