Olaf: what do you want to say here?
Pilaf: well, I guess...
Olaf: whoah! Hold on! You guess?
Pilaf: Yes, as a matter of fact, I often guess. Is there a law against guessing?
Olaf: There sure is. It's called H.R. 12f34Skidoo and it's vintage anti-guess legislation.
Pilaf: But what's so sinful about guessing?
Olaf: Who said anything about it being sinful? Some of my breast friends are sinners.
Pilaf: But I thought we all are sinners, no?
Olaf: Hey, if you ain't got $50 million bucks in the bank, now that's a sin.
Pilaf: So, in other turds, if I want to avoid being a sinner all I have to do is become incredibly, fiendishly wealthy and then just buy off whatever force in the universe might decide to brand me a sinner?
Olaf: Absotively, posilutely. Sure (although here we're pronunciating "sure" as if it was pronounsterbated "soor")
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Welcome to Procrastination 101
Welcome to Procrastination 101, I'm your instructor Cornelius T. Atwithers III. I will now go over the structure of the course. There are four parts:
I Ancient Greek procrastination
II Procrastination during the reign of King Louis XIV
III Post modern deconstructionist procrastination
IV The future of procrastination (although we might not get to this part because I just can't seem to get around to putting together the reading and writing assignments for that subject)
There will be reading assignments each week of anywhere from 50 to 250 pages. By the end of the semester you will have translated from French to English the entire 1,000 page memoir La Vie Procrastinacione by Marcel DuBois .
In addition, three papers will be assigned. The first will be 50 pages long. In it, you will describe in extreme detail, all the times you've ever procrastinated. The second paper will pose the question HWJP? (or How Would Jesus Procrastinate?). And finally, your third paper will focus on famous presidents who have procrastinated.
Any student who turns in two or more assignments on or before the due date will immediately receive a failing grade (well, not immediately, first we have to finish watching the complete season four of Survivor and then if we haven't forgotten about it, we'll fail said student).
Classes begin promptly at 9 AM and any student who is not at least five minutes late will be frowned upon in a most unpleasant way.
Failure to complete two or more assignments will result in a very good grade.
I Ancient Greek procrastination
II Procrastination during the reign of King Louis XIV
III Post modern deconstructionist procrastination
IV The future of procrastination (although we might not get to this part because I just can't seem to get around to putting together the reading and writing assignments for that subject)
There will be reading assignments each week of anywhere from 50 to 250 pages. By the end of the semester you will have translated from French to English the entire 1,000 page memoir La Vie Procrastinacione by Marcel DuBois .
In addition, three papers will be assigned. The first will be 50 pages long. In it, you will describe in extreme detail, all the times you've ever procrastinated. The second paper will pose the question HWJP? (or How Would Jesus Procrastinate?). And finally, your third paper will focus on famous presidents who have procrastinated.
Any student who turns in two or more assignments on or before the due date will immediately receive a failing grade (well, not immediately, first we have to finish watching the complete season four of Survivor and then if we haven't forgotten about it, we'll fail said student).
Classes begin promptly at 9 AM and any student who is not at least five minutes late will be frowned upon in a most unpleasant way.
Failure to complete two or more assignments will result in a very good grade.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Help Wanted: Joe Soko's job listings
Wanted: One caring, well trained seat belt adjuster to provide full service doorbell activism to anyone in need of a competitive wage golf cart situation. If this describes you, please bring five pounds of legal sized rubber goods to the missile defense contractor of your choice. Look for the sign that says "We are now hiring part time human shields to go into war zones and diffuse potentially sticky situations." Qualified applicants must be able to operate on 100% brain power even after listening to Rush Limbaugh for several hours.
We are also looking for someone to man -or should we say person- our corporate recycling program. Responsibilities include overnight delivery of free thinking brain matter, reliable elevator certification and an individualized traveling minstrel show. Qualified applicants should take a steam roller approach to our economic policy.
In human resources we are looking for a post-menopausal designer of soy based road rage. Indecision is not an option but for only $14,387.23 you can be the proud owner of a completely remodeled non smoking collection of single celled amoebas which come with a heightened dimensionality of arachnid genitalia.
If you have the ability to type 500 words a minute in this post apocalyptic reality brought to you by Budweiser, then no wonder they handcuffed everyone in the human resources department and presented the self-proclaimed faculty and staff with eleven fossilized school lunches. After two years on the job, little Ralphy was presented with a non-denominational 401-K retirement plan which is only good if you can name at least three Brazilian crustaceans and arthropods that did not vote for Sarah Palin in 2012. These arthropods are fully insured and are always in the mood for phone sex. If you have an advanced degree in anything that might make me go ballistic, then I urge you to go to Tony's Bar & Grill on the west side which is actually a haven for dancing reptiles.
We are also looking for someone to man -or should we say person- our corporate recycling program. Responsibilities include overnight delivery of free thinking brain matter, reliable elevator certification and an individualized traveling minstrel show. Qualified applicants should take a steam roller approach to our economic policy.
In human resources we are looking for a post-menopausal designer of soy based road rage. Indecision is not an option but for only $14,387.23 you can be the proud owner of a completely remodeled non smoking collection of single celled amoebas which come with a heightened dimensionality of arachnid genitalia.
If you have the ability to type 500 words a minute in this post apocalyptic reality brought to you by Budweiser, then no wonder they handcuffed everyone in the human resources department and presented the self-proclaimed faculty and staff with eleven fossilized school lunches. After two years on the job, little Ralphy was presented with a non-denominational 401-K retirement plan which is only good if you can name at least three Brazilian crustaceans and arthropods that did not vote for Sarah Palin in 2012. These arthropods are fully insured and are always in the mood for phone sex. If you have an advanced degree in anything that might make me go ballistic, then I urge you to go to Tony's Bar & Grill on the west side which is actually a haven for dancing reptiles.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth
You didn't have to worry about finding a parking spot late at night
When dinosaurs ruled the earth
You didn't have to worry about getting to work on time
When dinosaurs ruled the earth
You didn't have to pay outrageous rent just to live a closet
When dinosaurs ruled the earth
You didn't have to wait in line forever at the supermarket
When dinosaurs ruled the earth
You didn't have to go to traffic court for something totally bogus
When dinosaurs ruled the earth
You didn't have to vote for the lesser of two evils
When dinosaurs ruled the earth
You didn't have to wonder what your neighbors thought about you
When dinosaurs ruled the earth
When dinosaurs ruled the earth
When dinosaurs ruled the earth
When dinosaurs ruled the earth
yeah! yeah! yeah!
When dinosaurs ruled the earth
You didn't have to worry about getting to work on time
When dinosaurs ruled the earth
You didn't have to pay outrageous rent just to live a closet
When dinosaurs ruled the earth
You didn't have to wait in line forever at the supermarket
When dinosaurs ruled the earth
You didn't have to go to traffic court for something totally bogus
When dinosaurs ruled the earth
You didn't have to vote for the lesser of two evils
When dinosaurs ruled the earth
You didn't have to wonder what your neighbors thought about you
When dinosaurs ruled the earth
When dinosaurs ruled the earth
When dinosaurs ruled the earth
When dinosaurs ruled the earth
yeah! yeah! yeah!
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Confessions of a Moneyaholic
I admit it, I have a money habit. For many years, I've been using and abusing money. It all started when I was ten years old and my grandfather gave me a dollar bill so I could go buy some candy. Soon I was into fivers. A few years later I was hooked on tens. It wasn't long until I got turned on to twenties. I was eighteen when I did my first one hundred dollar bill. I can still remember the rush.
How bad is my money habit? You won't believe all the degrading, humiliating, agonizing things I've subjected myself to over the years just so I could score a few bucks. For example, I've allowed myself to be placed inside cubicles where I was expected to answer phone calls from irate customers and fiddle with monotonous paperwork eight hours a day, five days a week. All this so that every two weeks I could receive my financial narcotic.
How bad is my money habit? I can't go more than a day or two without using any. One time I went three days but that was only because I was in bed sick. Occasionally, I'll go a couple of days without doing any purchasing but then something small like a Snickers® bar will trigger my spending habit. After the Snickers bar, it's a slice of pizza. Then it's a pair of jeans. Soon it's the monthly rent, the bills, the car stereo, the dry cleaners, the down payment on a nuclear arsenal, the used spaceship and on and on.
But there is good news. I'm now in a program designed to wean me from my money habit. This program goes by the acronym WALMARTS. It stands for We'll Act Like Money Ain't Really That Significant. The way the program works is I show up at this big box store five days a week and do a whole bunch of repetitive tasks. Then at the end of the week, I get a few dollars to help me with my money habit but not too much. Each week, I get a little less in my paycheck until eventually I'm completely cured of my money addiction. Isn't that great?
How bad is my money habit? You won't believe all the degrading, humiliating, agonizing things I've subjected myself to over the years just so I could score a few bucks. For example, I've allowed myself to be placed inside cubicles where I was expected to answer phone calls from irate customers and fiddle with monotonous paperwork eight hours a day, five days a week. All this so that every two weeks I could receive my financial narcotic.
How bad is my money habit? I can't go more than a day or two without using any. One time I went three days but that was only because I was in bed sick. Occasionally, I'll go a couple of days without doing any purchasing but then something small like a Snickers® bar will trigger my spending habit. After the Snickers bar, it's a slice of pizza. Then it's a pair of jeans. Soon it's the monthly rent, the bills, the car stereo, the dry cleaners, the down payment on a nuclear arsenal, the used spaceship and on and on.
But there is good news. I'm now in a program designed to wean me from my money habit. This program goes by the acronym WALMARTS. It stands for We'll Act Like Money Ain't Really That Significant. The way the program works is I show up at this big box store five days a week and do a whole bunch of repetitive tasks. Then at the end of the week, I get a few dollars to help me with my money habit but not too much. Each week, I get a little less in my paycheck until eventually I'm completely cured of my money addiction. Isn't that great?
Saturday, December 12, 2009
WARNING: This blog entry contains nudity
WARNING: This blog entry contains nudity, both gratuitous and the other kind. If you have a problem with excessive nudity, then immediately consult a physician about it but for God's sake don't join the NRA (the Nudity Removal Association, that is).
If you can imagine a land where nudity reigns supreme, then you have just touched the tip of the iceberg where it comes to this clothing-optional religion that I'm thinking about starting. Seriously, think about this: What if Eve hadn't eaten the apple way back 6,000 years ago when life originally began? Might the earth today just be one big nudist colony? Would we all be wearing designer fig leaves?
Imagine a world where nudity runs rampant. The police are nude, the fire fighters are nude, the postal workers are nude, the sanitary engineers (or what in less PC times we called garbage men) are nude. The mayor is nude. The bill collectors are nude. Your landlord is nude.
Didn't I tell you there was going to be a lot of nudity in this piece?
...the telephone repairman is nude, the newspaper advice columnist is nude, the door to door salesman is nude, the Jehova's Witness is...oh, wait, they're never nude! The information technology specialist is nude, the nuclear astrophysicist is nude, the motivational speaker is nude...
The only people that wouldn't be nude are what would be called "dressers." Nude men would go to the sleazy part of town to see shows where nude women would slowly and seductively put on various items of clothing in time to a throbbing disco beat. They would do a dance known as a "dress-tease."
If you can imagine a land where nudity reigns supreme, then you have just touched the tip of the iceberg where it comes to this clothing-optional religion that I'm thinking about starting. Seriously, think about this: What if Eve hadn't eaten the apple way back 6,000 years ago when life originally began? Might the earth today just be one big nudist colony? Would we all be wearing designer fig leaves?
Imagine a world where nudity runs rampant. The police are nude, the fire fighters are nude, the postal workers are nude, the sanitary engineers (or what in less PC times we called garbage men) are nude. The mayor is nude. The bill collectors are nude. Your landlord is nude.
Didn't I tell you there was going to be a lot of nudity in this piece?
...the telephone repairman is nude, the newspaper advice columnist is nude, the door to door salesman is nude, the Jehova's Witness is...oh, wait, they're never nude! The information technology specialist is nude, the nuclear astrophysicist is nude, the motivational speaker is nude...
The only people that wouldn't be nude are what would be called "dressers." Nude men would go to the sleazy part of town to see shows where nude women would slowly and seductively put on various items of clothing in time to a throbbing disco beat. They would do a dance known as a "dress-tease."
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
This is only a test
This is a test. The following is a test of The National Blogging Emergency Response Network. This is only a test.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10
This has been a test of The National Blogging Emergency Response Network.
If this had been an actually blogging emergency, you would have been subjected to countless dissertations, tedious diatribes, endless bloviations, pompous tirades, ridiculous rants, righteous raves and on and on. You would have been bombarded with all kinds of self-pity trips like why can't I be a world renowned, well respected blogger like Arianna Huffington or Markos Moulitsas? Is it because of my choice of aftershave? Is it because when I was a kid, I never saved enough Wheaties ® proof-of-purchase box tops to get my very own Wheaties ® gym bag? I could go on but I won't for after all...
This is only test.
No, really, it is.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10
This has been a test of The National Blogging Emergency Response Network.
If this had been an actually blogging emergency, you would have been subjected to countless dissertations, tedious diatribes, endless bloviations, pompous tirades, ridiculous rants, righteous raves and on and on. You would have been bombarded with all kinds of self-pity trips like why can't I be a world renowned, well respected blogger like Arianna Huffington or Markos Moulitsas? Is it because of my choice of aftershave? Is it because when I was a kid, I never saved enough Wheaties ® proof-of-purchase box tops to get my very own Wheaties ® gym bag? I could go on but I won't for after all...
This is only test.
No, really, it is.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
